Mr Grumpy

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Living in Spain inevitably means that a lot of time is spent outside - especially during the summer months, and as such watching any TV at, let alone British TV, is a rarity.

A late Spring / Summer evening would often be spent at the beach, in the park or at the local Bar in the square and as such TV is surplus to requirements.

But now that the evenings are getting shorter and the weather worse, it is inevitable that a bit of TV is going to start creeping into the daily routine.

So with Mrs Grumpy overseas on business, and my daughter tucked up in bed, I decided to spend an evening in on my own catching up on the marvellous bounty of UK TV that I have been missing out on for so long.

However, in the space of God-Knows-How long it seems to have turned - how can I put this? : Crap.

I also have a few questions that the more dedicated TV watcher may be able to put me straight on :

1. As far as Newsreaders are concerned, when exactly did Bombay become Mombai and Peking become Beijing ?

2. When did TV stations stop warning of bad language and start warning of 'flashing lights that may cause the onset of epilepsy' ?

3. When did it become compulsory for every soap opera to have a cast member from every ethnic group, religion, disability and sexual orientation ? I have never lived on a street that was THAT cosmopolitan : Do places like that actually exist in the real world ?

4. Since when did the word 'Celebrity' stop being synonimous with somebody who had a talent, and instead meant 'somebody who was famous for doing nothing at all other than being famous' ? (Or from being on a reality TV show ?)

5. When did it become the norm that the Comedians of ten years ago should start doing travel documantaries as soon as they stopped being funny - Is this the BBC's unique way of introducing a Pension scheme for them ?

6. Why is every TV show these days either about Cooking, DIY, Gardening or some kind of Reality TV show ? What happened to PROPER TV ?

7. Ten years ago washed up old actors that hadn't been seen or heard of for decades used to turn up on Last of the Summer Wine. Now it seems to be that Celebrity-IceDancing-Factor-in theJungle gets first pickings.

8. Why is the Weather 'Brought to me by Powergen' ? - I thought it was generally brought from across the Atlantic by a combination of the Gulf stream and prevailing trade winds and low pressure fronts ?

9. The Documentary Channel : Sweet Baby Jesus! why do the executives of this station think I would have any interest in (and I kid you not!) : Ice Road Truckers; The Deepest Catch; Pawn Stars; Candian Loggers. Yes, you read correctly - not one Episode, not even one series, but whole multiple seasons of episodes about Truck drivers, Fishermen, Pawnbrokers and men chopping trees down. When did TV become so dull ? - I swear to god I saw a program the other day about a guy decorating a cake. Give me the A-Team any day.

10. Kids TV ? It goes from one extreme to the other : You either have some wierd fluffy teddies teaching kids to speak a language that isn't even a language, or some kind of far-fetched Sci-fi Bull541t. What's up with re-reruns of Dangermouse or Hong Kong Phooey ?

11. Loose Women : Take 6 Menopausal Women who used to be famous and either can't or don't want to work for a living anymore. Put them in a room together infront of a camera and let them moan about men for an hour. Genius!