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Mr Grumpy : Beachbabe ?

By Mr Grumpy - Wed 24th Jul 2013

Let me make one thing clear : I hate the beach.

I hate the fact that it is crowded, I hate the fact that it is noisy, I hate the fact that wherever I look I am forced to turn away from the image of either an English guy sporting socks and sandals, a topless French Octogenarian, or worse still, a 20 stone old German guy with a hairy back and wearing nothing more than a thong.

Worse still, I hate the sand.

I despise the way that the sand gets into absolutely everything I wear, read, touch and want to eat or drink, and especially despise the way that I have to swill half the beach from my intimate areas for the next few days.

Like most men, even in the most blistering of heat waves, I neglect to wear suntan cream. Great for avoiding sticky hands, which said beach then sticks to. Not so great when Mrs Grumpy insists that I smother her back in Factor 50, leaving me with perfectly protected hands (and nothing else), with a touch like sandpaper.

Did I mention the fact that real men don’t wear shorts either ? This makes sitting on the beach in a pair of jeans and sandy white hands make me look like some kind of performance artist.

Don’t get me wrong – I like to look at the beach, and like swimming in the wobbly blue thing at the end of it – just not the minefield that lies before it, which can sometimes leave me with a logistical poser. Comparisons with Dunkerque would be highly inappropriate at this juncture.

Sometimes I question why I even moved to Spain, and a village barely 10 Miles from the Beach at that.

I was happy to have forgotten my oddly misplaced phobia, however this all came flooding back yesterday with a seemingly innocuous question posed by Matthew from Gran Canaria Local : Which is better, Swimming in a Rockpool or Swimming Pool ?

Fortunately, in the majority of Towns and Villages up and down Spain, you are never too far away from a Municipal pool. Just my phobia of sitting on grass to overcome now.

Comment on this Blog

 
Lol, so true and so like my Husband. Do all men hate the beach??
Elaine Patterson - Thu, 12th Sep 2013
Are you sure you are not my husband ?
Sally - Fri, 26th Jul 2013
The beach has an advantage to a 20 years old student: you can force the left eye to the pretty girls to the left; the right eye, to the ones at right direction. After this hard training, you can pass the exams reading papers of your class fellows to the left and to the right!!
Drnostoc - Thu, 25th Jul 2013

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