Mr Grumpy

Subscribe to my blog

By Mr Grumpy - Fri 4th Mar 2011

 

Further to one of my previous blogs alienating me against quite a large demographic of those living on the Costas (click here to read my thoughts on Golf in Spain), I have decided that I am quite missing the hate mail, and instead my vitriol has turned towards another collective that I despise.

Cyclists.

Not Mountain-Bikers, and not the solitary local farmer plodding through the village on his bone-shaker, but the dreaded 'enthusiastic road racer'. The festering sore on the backside of the Spanish road network.

Don't get me wrong - like stray dogs they seem to be quite 'normal' (or at least as normal as any cyclist ever can be) when they are on their own, it's just that when they flock together in a 'Gaggle' - or whatever the correct collectible noun for cyclists is - they seem to develop an evil streak and defy all moral fibre and bring out the very worst in me.

Only last week, I was doing the school run when a 'pack' of about 50 lycra clad cyclists came whooshing up behind me. I was doing about 35kmh in a 40kmh area and, oddly enough, refused to be intimidated into going any faster just because it happened to be on a downward slope. You would have thought that I had danced naked around their elderly mother's parlour. They were all screaming at me and gesticulating for me to go faster or pull over so they could get past me (Apparently the speed limits don't apply to cyclists when going down hill). I took great delight in ignoring them and holding them up all the way to the bottom of the hill - even though I should have turned off to the school about halfway down the hill.

Further back, I can recall pulling up to a T-Junction to turn left across on-coming traffic. A 'murder' of cyclists pulled up - some on my left side and some on my right side - but all wanting to turn right. As I edged forward to be able to see to turn left, those on my left edged forward to see past me to the right - and then started abusing me for being obstructive. I'm a patient guy, but this time the Mrs had to physically restrain me from tearing the emaciated bow-legged geek's spindly legs off.

Another time I was pulling up to a roundabout to give way to the on-coming traffic to my left, when a 'mince' of cyclists flew up to the roundabout and out in front of the car that I had just given way to. To make matters worse, two of them went the wrong way around the roundabout in an attempt to get to the head of the pack. Who would have been at fault if I had rearranged the road surface with their faces ? - Moi, no doubt.

... And why all the luminous spandex or lycra or whatever man-made synthetic fibre is may be ? Why, even though they are far from being a professional cyclist with a sponsorship deal, do they plaster themselves with advertising ? Why am I forced to avert my gaze whenever one of these cyclists hobbles out of a Cafe with his ridiculous clogs on his bow-legs as he readjusts his budgie-smugglers ? - Somebody needs to tell them that wearing luminous lycra makes them look like they are attending some kind of Glam Rock-cum-Scissor Sisters convention.

... And why continually refer to it as a 'Sport' ? - It's not much of spectator sport is it ? - it's a mode of transport - and a crap one at that. I even think that Golf is more of a sport than cycling and that's pushing it (no pun intended). Sitting on a razor blade for hours on end, doing untold damage to your manhood, getting curvature of the spine and stinking of sweat in your skin tight orange man-girdle ? - Yep, count me in.

I'm just waiting for one of my local councilors to come knocking on my door to canvas my vote for the coming regional elections. I am going to demand the following :

- That cyclists either pay a road tax to contribute to the medical care they receive after an accident (they probably cause more accidents than car drivers anyway)

- The Tax will also recompense the Government : they slow cars down, resulting in lower petrol consumption and therefore less taxable revenue coming in

- They should be obliged to dress modestly instead of like Graham Norton at a Mardi-Gras

- They follow the highway code like everyone else and can get points deducted from their license for infringements

... Ok, I admit I was having a laugh with that last point - maybe a bit too extreme.