Mr Grumpy

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By Mr Grumpy - Fri 10th Jun 2011

 

The teenagers, otherwise known as 'da massiv' in my village are an odd bunch. Like many teeneagers in the UK, they seem to wish to completely turn their backs on their own culture and instead make a ham-fisted attempt at assuming another one. And they do this badly. Most of them seem to wish to assume the identity of a posse of Gangsta rappers, however it doesn't really add to their cred as they swagger along the the country tracks around our rural village pretending to be 'in da hood' and avoiding a 'drive-by' from the old farmer trundling past on his rotavator.

And what is it about Gangsta rappers exactly ?

Without wishing to generalise or anything, I despise everything about them, their culture and everything that they stand for.

The problem for me is that this so-called 'culture', after creeping into the UK, now seems to be slowly invading Spain and it is doing my head in. Except it is a polluted and crazy version here and a lot of the younger generation (never thought i'd ever put those words in writing) - like a demented version of Ali-G. Probably a bad analogy, but the best I can come up with at the moment.

I can't watch MTV or VH1 without being bombarded by what is basically the same music video being broken down and reconstructed numerous times. For example, here is my formula for an R&B / Hip hop / Gangsta rap video (Please excuse me if I have got the exact terminology wrong, I have never attended a Youth Offenders Institution or been awarded an ASBO):

- Said rapper needs at some point to remove his shirt and reveal his chemically assisted abdominal muscles and biceps. Of which he is enormously proud, whilst still being able to retain a bodyweight similar to a 12 year old boy.

- Said rapper must at all times wear his sunglasses - AKA 'Shades' - aswell as numerous pieces of expensive jewellery that even Elton John would think twice about wearing.

- Said rapper can under no circumstances be referred to using his own name. Even his showbiz name has to be mis-spelt (either that or said rapper can not actually spell, not sure which) - either way, he would probably shoot his P.A. for calling him 'Donald' in public.

- A car has to feature in the video somewhere. And I'm not talking something with a modicum of class such as an Aston Martin or TVR, it needs to be bright yellow, or red and have a floor clearance only slightly higher than a dormouse. And have blacked-out windows. Or be a Range Rover.

- Girls never wear clothing that has more square inches than the average handkerchief.

- Who exactly drinks champagne anyway ? and, of course, it has to be 'Crystal' (and pronounced 'Kree-stahl'). Give me a pint any day.

- Why wear your gunshot wounds and knife scars as badges of honour ? - If you were a Doctor or a Bus driver, or anybody who abided by the law of the land you would not (in most circumstances) be proud of the fact that you had been maimed.

- Got to disrespect those 'Hoes an Queers' - right ? - in the year 2011 it would be unthinkable to live and let live wouldn't it ? If Gangsta rappers were a Newspaper or any other business or institution, they would have had their backsides sued off them by now.

Ok, hardly topical and of little relevance to spain maybe, but I really felt the need to get that one off my chest, I feel much better now.

And if some skinny wannabe jailbird creeps up on me one night on my way home from the bar, agreived at what I have just written and ready to 'pop a cap in my ass' I'll hear him coming because of his jangly jewellery and his beat-boxing. That and he will probably be wearing his trousers with the crotch around his knees aswell.